The Wait is Over.....

.....And apparently, so is the hope of ADEM. Dr. H. called me a little while ago. Looking at my scans, he told me that it didn't appear to be so good. One of my lesions in the T-Spine had started to diminish, which would be a really awesome sign.....but the fact that I have another new lesion, that is rather big, is not. He feels that after reviewing the written reports and studying the MRI scans, my results and symptoms are more consistent with MS now. When I asked if that meant we were ruling out ADEM completely, he said, "No, nothing can really be ruled out completely. However, you are clinically doing better, and haven't had any more bouts of sickness or any new vaccinations, but you do have a new lesion. ADEM can come and go as well, but usually is accompanied by sickness/vaccinations. Since neither of those have taken place, it leads me to a more clinical diagnosis of MS." He did mention that my Brain is still free and clear of any lesions, which is wonderful at this point. The MS is contained in my spinal chord for now. I am grateful for that, I really am. Dr. H. is highly recommending we start the shots, but is also very supportive of our opinions and decisions at this time as well. He knows our desire for another baby. He supports that too. He still feels it could be as good for me as the shots for now. He told me to talk things over with Trav and decide if we want to start medicating me while trying for a baby. I can stay on the shots (if I take Copaxone) while pregnant, if I choose. Or, I can just wait til after a baby and then start the shots. Dr. H. offered to meet with me sooner than Nov. if we wanted to discuss more in detail with him now. He told me he was sorry to have to deliver that news, and was hoping for a better outcome for me. Of course, the tears started coming and so, I ended the conversation rather quickly. So much to process. So much to think over. I feel like I'm hearing this diagnosis for the first time again. Why is this so hard for me to deal with? I wish I could say I was handling it with grace, and taking it like a champ. But all I want to do is hide in my own little corner and cry. Maybe scream. Maybe even hit something. After 7 months of the if's, and's, why's and all the testing.....I'm tired and overwhelmed by the responsibility of carrying around this disease. I just looked up information about Copaxone. The side effects go on for a couple of pages. That in and of itself scares me, not to mention it can cost up to $24-37,000/yr. I don't feel comfy taking Tylenol when trying for, or expecting a baby, let alone a daily interferon shot. Sometimes, I wonder if we ought to give up the hope of another baby and that maybe this whole MS thing is our answer that it's best not to keep trying, seeing as it's been a year and a half since the loss of our baby. But I can't get rid of this feeling that it will happen, and I definitely can't deny the feeling I had as my Bishop and husband gave me a blessing. So, for now I will pray for the peace and comfort needed to move forward, and wait for my sweet hubby to get home. If anything, talking to him always makes me feel better. Besides, my amazing neighbor just showed up with some Chocolate Covered Cinnamon bears. Thank Heavens for those that listen to inspiration. You know who you are, and I thank you so much for following a prompting to come and visit me.....regardless of what you witnessed when you walked through the door! And, a huge shout out to my buddy Paige. Again, she helped me in the process of getting my results today.....love having her as my Neurology Body Guard! Thank you to all of you who have called, texted, etc. to check up on me. I know you have a lot better things you could be doing with your time than worrying about me and my issues, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness, love and support. It means the world to me to know you care. I know this too shall pass with time, but in the words of Ingrid Michaelson, "I just wanna be ok today!"

Up and Down, and Up and Down, and Back again!

Just played "Eye of the Tiger" in my mind to gear myself up to call Dr. H's office. I don't know why I get so stinking scared to call. I hate to be the "Buggy" patient. But, on the same hand, they tell me to hurry up and get these MRI's done....which I do, and then no one ever calls to give the results.....so shouldn't I have the right to be a little "Buggy?" Maybe so, but none-the-less, I hate calling. The nurse checked to see the status of Dr. H. reading my results. I have told myself all along that either way, I have thought I was headed down the path of MS.....so the most that could happen would be to actually get good news that I wasn't. I've been trying to tell myself it's no big deal what we hear back. So, how come I am crying then, after getting off the phone with his office? I guess it's because I was secretly hoping when she got back on the phone she would say, "Looks great, the change is consistent with ADEM.....he will just see you back in November for a follow up." Instead, she said, "Looks like he really needs to see the discs from last time and this time so he can see for himself the change, and apparently there are new concerns in the C-Spine." I didn't love that answer. I kinda just want it all to go away. No more tests, no more results, no more waiting to hear! At this point, there is no other choice than to go shower and deliver my discs to the Doc.

P.S. Every bone in my body is screaming at me to try and be a little positive.....so, to leave on a good note......I truly do feel good lately. Down to just a few pockets of numbness on the bottom of my feet, and around my waist. Still have the creepy electrical feeling if I bump my thighs, but other than that.....I feel great. There definitely are blessings to be counted.

Patience Is A Virtue

Still just waiting. Never heard back from Dr. H. this week and he is not in the office on Friday's, so.....guess Monday is our new date of Hope! Thanks for checking in! Hopefully we will know more next week.

Made it to the Desk of Dr. H....

Just a quick update. I have been overwhelmed by the phone calls and messages wondering if I have any results. Thank you all for your love and support. At this time.....we are still just waiting. I received a disc with my images on them. From what we could tell, there wasn't anything different. However, on Saturday, I went and picked up my written report from Radiology. As we read it, there are areas of concern on my brain, but they were there last time and haven't changed from then til now. They didn't react to the dye, which is all positive as far as we are concerned. The final impression at the bottom of the report said that it was a stable MRI of the brain. So, that was very exciting and encouraging to us. We are wondering if the areas of concern on my brain have anything to do with the Concussion/Amnesia I had when I was 13. I'll have to bring that up with Dr. H. The C-Spine MRI looked ok to us too. Between all of the medical jargon it is hard to fully understand if I'm ok or not, but as far as our medical knowledge is taking us.....my neck appeared ok as well, minus a couple areas that sound like they are watching. The part that makes us a little nervous is the T-Spine MRI. That is where my current little lesion buddies reside. This latest test shows that my lesions are larger in size now, and reacted to the dye more this time around, and as far as we can tell, there are 2 more areas of concern there as well. Now, we just need Dr. H. to call and tell us if this is all consistent with ADEM or if it is more consistent with MS. Trav faxed my results to him yesterday. We didn't hear anything back, so I called today and left a message asking if they received my results and if Dr. H. had had time to look them over yet. The secretary called me later this afternoon and said that my results were now on his desk waiting for him to read and call me. Going to bed now, hoping that when I wake up.....answers will come in the form of a phone call from my favorite Neurologist! Thank you again for the love and concern. We truly appreciate it.

And the Results Are......

......Hurry up and wait!! I had the MRI tests today.....all 2 1/2 hours of them! That was pretty long to be in that thing! Glad that's over. I do have to say though.....I rock it in that thing! They kept telling me how good I was for being in there that long. I asked for a sucker.....don't have those. Asked for a sticker.....don't even have any of those! Dang....what am I paying them the big bucks for? Today no one wanted to share any info with me. Not sure if that is a sign that things don't look good, or if I'm totally reading into it. My little friend that assisted me.....who snuck me the info last time about my brain being clear, assisted me again today. There was another guy in there with her though, so maybe that is the reason she didn't share anything today. I don't know. However, they said my results would be read today and would get to my Dr. by next week. So, I called Dr. H's office on my way home and.....of course, he is not in the office on Friday. There is nothing worse than having your results held ransom! I hate that! I tried calling later this afternoon to Radiology to see if I could come pick up my written results, and they said it hadn't been read yet. I was hoping to know by whether or not they came and did the contrast, but either way, they had to put the dye in me in order to compare the lesions from last time. So, that wasn't any indicator. They told me to call back tomorrow and there might be a possibility of getting the results.....so we shall see. I have the scans on a disc, but I have no idea if there are lesions or not. Trav and I can't tell! Now, we wait. Thank you to all who have called and checked in on us. We are so appreciative! Keeping our fingers crossed, our arms folded and our knees bent!

Yay or Nay?.....That is the Question!!

Yesterday was my check-up with Dr. H. Trav and I left feeling pretty optimistic about things, but at the same time....a bit anxious. We discussed with him some of the symptoms I have had since the last time we met. After talking about each in detail, Dr. H. seemed very encouraged that the symptoms I have had, are all part of the demyelinating process I have experienced already, rather than anything new occurring. That was really good news for us, seeing as I have felt better in the last week, as far as my numbness is concerned, than I have in a really long time. Dr. H. examined me for a few minutes, checking my reflexes and shining bright lights into my eyes. After my examination, we talked about the fact that we don't have any baby news to report right now......and because we haven't had any luck in that department, it's time for me to go back in for more MRI tests. He was very direct and to the point from this time on in the appointment. He is still keeping the hope of ADEM (Acute Disseminating Encephalomyelitis) alive. He gave me the orders for a C-Spine, T-Spine and Brain MRI and asked that I get them done as soon as possible. Once the results are in, he will compare them to my previous ones 3 months ago. If there is no sign of change, (or if my lesions look like they have improved at all), then he will lean more towards ADEM, and we'll pray things continue to get better and go that direction. If there are any new lesions or signs of change in the existing ones, then ADEM can be ruled out completely, and a clinical diagnosis of MS will be more likely. We set up my return appointment with him the first week in Nov, unless things don't look good with the MRI, then I will see him sooner. We feel very fortunate that the symptoms I have had appear to be related to all that has already gone on. However, I am very anxious now for the MRI's. We stopped by Tanner Clinic on our way home and scheduled them for this Friday morning at 9. I will be in the machine for close to 2 hours while they run all three tests. I know the system a little better now, which is cause for a little more anxiety. I know that if at any point they come in and pull me out of the machine to administer the contrast dye, that things will not be in my favor. That will make for a very long two hours! But, I'm glad they could get me in so soon. Friday is our day.....we should know if this is a definite diagnosis or if I'm lucky enough to maybe escape this thing for the time being. I have kept a constant prayer in my heart since the appointment was made.

From the Mouth of Babes...

So, I'm upstairs folding the laundry, minding my own business....when the doorbell rings. Next thing I know the kids are running to see who it is. As I start to walk down the stairs to see for myself, I hear Tyler talking to his friend Sam. "Let me ask my Mom if I can play." As soon as Sam sees me, he says, "Hi, you might not want me to play here, I have a cold!" Before I could respond, Tyler looked at Sam while pointing at me and said, "Oh, don't worry, She has MS." Sam looked at Ty with a weird look on his face and asked, "What the heck is that?" To which Ty replied, "Oh, it's just a sickness in your back! Come on in, I can play!" They both ran off to the trampoline while I stood in the entry way laughing, trying to comprehend what just happened at my door way!! It was as though Ty thinks it can't get any worse than MS, so not matter what anyone else has.....come on in and play......just enter at your own risk! Pretty Funny stuff!