"Yesterday is but Today's Memory - Tomorrow is Today's Dream"

Last night I had a very surreal moment that one would have sworn was deja vu! Watching my nephew, I was told he needed me downstairs where we keep all of the toys. Finding him sad, and crying for mom, I picked him up without hesitation, carried him up the stairs and sat down in the study with him on my lap. No sooner had we sat down, than the deja vu feeling came. There I was, with my same little nephew, in my same high heels, on the exact same week where just one year before, he and I had fallen down the stairs. You may recall that within a month or so of that incident, testing began on my body to check for MS. It was a very strange feeling as I sat there and played all of that out in my mind again. Apparently I haven't learned my lesson as far as carrying children on stairs while wearing heels, but this time we walked UP instead of down and I did hold on to the railing with one hand!

After they left, I shared that experience with Trav. We both kind of sat in silence, and then he too brought up the fact that I hadn't learned my lesson, but both amazed that it has now been a year since all of this started to appear. We talked about all that took place during those first few months - Dr. Visits almost weekly, MRI's, Blood Work, Spinal Taps, Physical Exams, dreaded waiting on results, Priesthood blessings, ward fasts, many days and nights on our knees, trips to the temple, etc.

Going to bed with that on my mind, triggered the dream I ended up having, I assume. In my dream I was visiting teaching. One of the Sisters in the group asked me to share my experience this last year and what I had learned from it so far. Rather than talking about high heel safety, I found myself testifying to everyone in the room that more than anything, I learned that my Heavenly Father truly knows me by name. He loves me. He knows my heartache. He knows my struggles. He knows this hasn't been easy, but He also knows that this will make me stronger and has helped me grow closer to Him. I have learned I am never alone. There is always a friend, family member or neighbor asking how I am doing. There is always someone going through some kind of trial or another that needs my compassion as well. I remember getting choked up as I was sharing all of my feelings with them, so much so, that it woke me up. I laid there under the covers this morning playing that dream out in my mind. I realized how blessed I really have been this year. When all is said and done, I have truly learned all of that. This dream felt like a tender mercy from my Father in Heaven that all is well. All will be well. No, it hasn't been an easy year. A diagnosis of MS and a miscarriage in one year are definitely grounds for feeling sorry for myself a time or two, but when all is said and done, the blessings far out weigh the problems.As I looked at all of the Christmas Cards we received hanging on our doorway, I realized that every single one of the friends in those cards have been extremely supportive in one way or another this year. What a blessing you have all been in our lives. I count myself lucky to know each of you. As you visit and comment on this blog, you leave wonderful words of encouragement and are true examples to me of all that is good. Trav and I are so appreciative of all the love and support we have received. I don't feel deserving of it at all. I have been amazed at all of the new friends I have made, or old friends I have been able to reacquaint with from this little blog. I'm glad the inspiration came to start it, it too has been a blessing in my life this year. To vent, to share, to journal, and to inform has been very helpful.

I usually don't like change. I'm not so good at dealing with it. However, the last 2 years, as we have celebrated a New Year, I have to be honest and say I have welcomed it. This year with all my might, I am praying 2011 will bring with it some major happiness, good health for us all, and if the Lord sees fit, the opportunity to once again wear some maternity clothes......this time for a full 9 months.

Happy New Year to you all. May the Lord bless you always for having a major impact on my life.

Marion's Way or the Highway!

Just got back from a wonderful trip to Pennsylvania. Flew out for a week to attend the 40th Wedding Anniversary Celebration for a dear couple who are like family to me. While I was there, we visited and stayed with more of their family in Willamsport. One night as we were all talking in the kitchen, the back door opened and in walked Marion. She let herself in, introductions were made and next thing I knew, we were all piled in her car headed up the street to see her little cottage at the top of a rolling hill - because she said we should! On the way there, she confessed to stopping by their barn earlier in the week and taking all of the eggs their hens had laid. I'm not sure why, but I immediately loved this lady. She was so intriguing to me. Talk about the perfect epitome of the bossy, butinski neighbor! Awesome! And besides that, she truly did have the most adorable cottage in the most beautiful setting ever. From the doorstep you could turn in every direction and overlook rolling hills, barns, fields, wood fences and thousands of trees. When we walked in I was so mad I didn't have my camera. From an old barn, she created the most cozy little home. Antique dishes, furniture, chairs, dolls, statues, toys....etc. you name it were the decor for this place. A kitchen, dining area and family room were the main floor. Up a little flight of wooden stairs was a loft with two little bedrooms. She showed us all of the things she made with her own hands.....her doll house was to die for! It wasn't until we went to her basement where she creates some of these treasures, that I realized why I just might love her so much! As we got talking, it came out that she had MS. She was diagnosed in her early 30's as well. I asked her what life had been like for her and it was so inspiring to listen to her. She had a period where she lost her eyesight, and has had some of the numbness issues as well. The burning question for me at that point was....... "Do you take the shots?" Her reply was a definite "No!" She had decided they weren't for her. With her bossy little attitude she explained to us how she just pretended that she didn't really have MS and just went on with life. She chose not to worry about it or think about it too much. She just lived her life and did whatever she wanted. She had gone years without having any exacerbations and was doing great. Marion stays busy and is always on the go. I loved talking to her and hearing about her life with MS - She was a true inspiration. I love meeting people who appear to be doing well. It gives me hope. As we walked out to leave, I over heard her telling CaMarie how to run her barn, take care of her animals and live her life! And.....since I already decided I wanna be just like her with MS when I'm older, don't be surprised if I become a 'lil bossy too! After all, Marion is, and you'd never know she has MS!

Momma saw the Dr. and the Dr. Said......

Time to get on the shots.

I went in for my follow-up appointment today with Dr. H. I have a love hate relationship with that guy! Love him cause he gave me a whole new outlook on life with MS vs. the outlook my first Doc. gave - along with the fact that he listens and he cares, but hate him cause a visit with him only means one thing......I have MS. I went in to that appointment today feeling the best I have felt since this whole thing started 11 months ago. 11 MONTHS! How is it possible it's almost been a year since this journey started? I know I have stated at different points over the last few months that I have felt the best I have felt in a long time, but the truth is, each time I feel a little better, it IS better than the time before. However, this time around I would say I am pretty much back to my normal self again. Knock on wood. Since the first part of January, I have been numb from the chest down. I can now say, I am numb from the very tip of my toes to the very, very tip of my toes. And that my friends, is an amazing place to be at this point. I have to really rub and search for numbness around my waist and legs. Whereas before, I could feel the numbness just moving around in my clothes.

So, that is the reason I went in to my appointment with Dr. H. today very confident he would tell me, "this just can't possibly be MS." I've been telling myself that for weeks now. That's the problem with the ups and downs. When you're up.....you're really up and think you don't have it! When you're down,....well that's when it stinks. I used to think about it on a daily basis when the numbness was stronger. Feeling so good lately, I haven't given it much thought. I guess that's why my appointment today had me crying on the phone afterwards to my sweet friend Heidi, (thank you Heidi), and the rest of the drive home. Oh yeah, and to Trav later on in the kitchen as we discussed the appointment today. (I'm kindof a baby!)

Even though I feel SO good, Dr. H. still feels very strongly it is time for me to get on the shots. Because I had another new lesion show up on my c-spine on the MRI's from July, that is enough of an alarm to him that I definitely have the potential to have some serious things happen in my spinal cord that we could have a better chance at fighting if I get started on the therapy. He wants to send me in for another set of MRI's hoping to convince me that it's time.We are not against the shots. We just want a baby. To us, Shots and trying for a baby do not mix. He says Copaxone is a class C when it comes to pregnancy and meds. Studies show that there have not been any defects or harm done to a developing baby, but he is not aware of what that means in regards to fertility and miscarriage. His suggestion is to start Copaxone now, and get off of it as soon as I find out I'm expecting. Coming off of 2 miscarriages, the possibility of risk to fertility or a pregnancy is just not worth it to me. Dr. H. was very understanding of this when I shared my concern. I may be totally over-cautious about it, but I just can't help it. After talking a little bit more about the pros, cons and side effects, I was able to openly admit to him that along with pregnancy concerns, bottom line is.......I'm afraid to pull the trigger. Saying yes to the shots makes the realization of this whole thing all the more definite. And then......I cried. (I'm a huge baby when it comes to this, did I mention that already?) And, again, Dr. H. was very understanding. He knows. He gets it. He told me he is there to support me, in whatever our decision is, not to talk us into anything.

Trav would like to do the MRI's to see how things look and to see if there have been any new changes. I do and don't. I'm torn. I don't know which way to go. Dr. H. left us with an appointment to come back in Jan. If we choose to do the MRI he will schedule it. (Heck, we kinda want to just cause this set would all be paid for by the insurance. We've reached our out of pocket maximum!) If we choose to start Copaxone, we make the call and he will start the injection training, figure out our insurance coverage, and help us find financial assistance for whatever won't be covered of the insane amount it costs yearly to do these daily shots.

I have used "Our and we" through this whole post. Trav has been there for me through all of this. He drops whatever he is doing to be with me at every appointment. He asks questions. He shares his concerns. We then talk it out together and fight this thing as a team. Dr. H. reiterated today the power of positive thinking. I think as we joke while we are there, he feels that I am doing so well because we have tried to remain as positive as possible. I have Trav to thank for that. Without his love and support, this would be so much harder to go through.

After much thought now at the end of the day, Faith is our choice of therapy for now. We have a lot of praying to do to get the answers needed to know which path we should continue on. I want to know that whatever we choose to do, that it's the Lord's will.

As we get closer to Thanksgiving, I have to say even though there have been many tears, hard days, lots of fear, tough appointments and tests, I am extremely grateful and recognize how lucky I am to feel as good as I do. I have become so grateful for the little things. I ride a bike and understand it is a blessing my legs can do that. I play the piano and love every second I can feel the keys under my fingertips. I sing a song or talk to a friend and I have a voice. I get an eye exam and other than a little normal poor vision, I can still see. I have MS, yet I am still me and I still have all the gifts Heavenly Father gave me. I couldn't be any more grateful for that. I know the answers will come, I've just gotta gear up enough strength to face whatever they may be.

It's Autumn Time, It's Autumn Time......

And while that means it's my favorite time of year for many reasons, its also means I have to put away my trusty flip flops. I have never been a huge fan of flip flops til this year! I've always had a little problem with my feet and showing them off to the world in a pair of flip flops has never seemed exciting to me. However, when your feet are numb.....they truly become a gift from Heaven! I have lived in flip flops since the snow melted early this spring. Those tiny straps across the top of my foot are the only thing that rubs against it making the numbness bearable. I didn't realize just how much I have loved them til my little boy was playing in the Semi-Finals of Football last Saturday in cold temps! I put on a pair of socks, zipped up my boots and headed to the game. Man, is it going to be a long winter! I'm not loving having to wear shoes and socks again. I ran into this video on another MS blog and LOVED it! It is so far out there weird, but so is everything about MS and what it does! It describes in the strangest way, what it's like to have to put those socks on and feel the pins and needles!! Enjoy! (Click on the video to see full width)

Scouts Are: Honest, Trustworthy....and Inspired!

When we were going through our miscarriage a few weeks ago, we struggled to know how to tell the kids. Because they didn't even know we were expecting yet, we wondered if we should even fill them in on all that was happening. One night, Tyler found me in our front room crying. Putting his arm around me and with a look of concern on his face he quietly asked, "Mom, is MS eating your body?" My heart dropped. Here he was concerned that MS was just slowly killing me. I realized at that point, that we hadn't told our kids enough about MS and what it does. I also realized they deserved to know and understand why Mom was such a basket case those few days. Travis was gone at a church meeting, so I had to go at this one alone. I called them all around me and explained as briefly as I could about the miscarriage and then a little bit more about MS. Problem is, it's complicated. Since we don't know how I got it, or anyone gets it for that matter, it's hard for them to understand. I answered other questions that came the best I could, but then worried if I had told too much, or if I had told too little, adding to the confusion.

You can imagine my excitement then, when a couple of weeks ago, Anna, my long time friend and now partner in crime in living with MS, sent me a message. She told me about a Scout in Kaysville that was doing his Eagle Project all centered around MS. His Mom was diagnosed 5 years ago, and he always felt like there wasn't enough out there to explain to kids about it. So, when it came time to do his project, he and his Mom put together some incredible things and pulled off an amazing MS Kids Fair - all for Kids whose parents or other family members have MS.

We had to wake the kids up early Saturday morning, which they weren't too thrilled about. When I told them where we were going, they were actually very agreeable and got ready to go. As I was doing my hair, Ty was in my shower. "Mom, can boys get MS?" "Yes Ty, there are many men throughout the world with MS." "Oh, so, should I stay away from you then?" I immediately looked at Trav and said, "This is such a good Eagle Project. I'm so glad we're going!" We then took that question and hopefully helped Ty understand I'm not contagious.The MS Fair was Awesome! Trav got sick on the way there, and we had to take him home. Boy did he miss out. A nurse from an MS clinic in Salt Lake came and talked to the kids. She taught them the basics of MS by getting on their level. She asked if any of them had scars. Garrett showed some of his. She then went on to explain that his scars are visible. MS scars are not. The literal meaning of Multiple Sclerosis is Many Scars. She told how lesions attack the myelin covering of our nerves and cause the damage. The kids got a chance to tell about the people they know with MS and what some of the problems are they suffer with because of it. We were then taken into the gym to an obstacle course they had set up. Each one got a chance to try it as themselves. Then, they put on a pair of glasses that distort your vision, and a weight around their ankles and go through it again. It was an eye opener to see them struggle by adding those two things. Anna and I both commented on how it was to watch our kids gain an understanding of what life is like for us at times. They had prizes, an MS awareness bracelet making station, and an MS memory game to do. A cartoon video was shown from the view of a spaceship traveling the central nervous system and teaching us what it all looks like when MS is present.I loved this little sign the Girl Scouts made so much,
that I added it to my sidebar!
Made me and Anna smile!

I thought this was one of the most worth while Eagle Projects I have heard of in a long time. It was such a blessing for me to be able to take my children and have them spend a few hours learning about MS and have some of their questions answered. They had a great time! When we got home and made lunch, Ty offered the prayer. He thanked Heavenly Father for the opportunity they had to learn about what Mom is dealing with and how they can help her. I think we will have to make this a future Eagle Project of our own. Thank you Anna for thinking of us, and thank you Little Scout - you definitely deserve the honor of the Eagle Rank!

This little Blog of Mine......

.....has suffered lately, I know. Truth is, there isn't much to report. I have mentioned before what a huge rollercoaster ride it has been with this whole thing. Some days you're up, some days you're down. Sometimes, you don't know how long the span will be till you go back Up, or you go back Down. Funny thing is, today I was driving home from my Grandma's house and got to thinking how good I have felt lately. When I was expecting, even the short while that it was, I felt SO good. I actually felt, and have continued to feel since, the bottom of my feet touch the floor. Crazy how we take that feeling for granted. Pregnancy really is the miracle drug for this thing we call MS. If only I could bottle that up. Just think of the bazillion people in the world I could make extremely happy! Sometimes I feel like I'm holding the flower and instead of saying, "He loves me. He loves me not." I'm saying, "I have MS. I have not. I have MS. I have NOT!!" Today was one of those days. I found myself thinking, "How can I feel this good, and still have MS?" But, you never want those thoughts to linger too long, cause as soon as you think that, BAM! The roller coaster dips back down full speed and you find yourself numb from the waist down again. Either way, I'm thanking my lucky stars for feeling this good, for this long. That hasn't happened in quite a while. So just for today, I'm gonna pretend that the last petal ended on....."I HAVE NOT!"

Unlocking the Door to Heaven......

Sitting at the piano a few months ago, after the first diagnosis of MS had been given, thoughts of all we had been through in the last couple of years came to mind. I realized that through it all, blessings and comfort had been a part of it as well, lifting our spirits and seeing us through. I had learned so much about facing trials and relying on our Heavenly Father. Before I knew it, those thoughts formed words to a song and within just a few minutes, I had it written down. At the risk of looking like a total dork, I'm sharing this today.

There's a quiet peace that comes when I'm in need of comforting. A quiet peace that's felt when I'm on my knees in prayer. And I believe it comes from Thee, to strengthen and endure. And I believe, that's what peace is for.

There's an overwhelming love that comes, when I feel all alone. An overwhelming love that comes when I feel I can't go on. And I believe it comes from Thee to strengthen and endure. And I believe, that's what Love is for.

Father, I have felt Thee near me through my darkest hours on Earth. And I have felt Thee near me, when I'm questioning my worth. Father, I know that you're near me every step of every day. And I know that you will be there for whatever comes my way. Father, help me, to feel Thee now.

There's a joy that can't be felt unless we feel a little ache. But there is one who came and gave His life, for our pain to take. And I believe that He was sent, to help me find my way..... back to that Heavenly home from where I came. (Then back to the chorus)

So, at the time those words came, I didn't think much of it. It was fun to sit down to play and sing to myself and an empty room. However, this last week, those words took on a whole new meaning. After almost 2 years since our last loss, of trying for another little one, we finally found out we were expecting. We were thrilled! In the back of my mind however, I was scared. After a loss, it's hard to believe that it will ever truly happen again. I tried as hard as I could not to think about anything going wrong. I started looking for maternity clothes on line. Started looking at the baby isle when I'd go grocery shopping. I couldn't wait. We got in to my OB within a few days of finding out, so that we could make sure everything was ok MS wise, and baby wise. We were also needing to see him for the referral to see a Para-natalogist. My Doc. did an ultrasound last Monday and everything seemed to be headed in the right direction. Not much to see at almost 5 weeks, but what was there, was right on track. Our excitement quickly turned to fear the next day, when I started having some cramping followed by other things. I knew it wasn't good. I prayed and Trav gave me a blessing. Later, I called the Dr. and they said to just rest and try to relax. Some of these things were completely normal, but time would tell. By the next morning, things were really bad, so they got us right in. Another ultrasound confirmed that I was in the process of miscarrying this baby, and that there was a possibility it could be tubal. There was nothing they could do. During our last miscarriage and through all of the MS stuff, I truly felt close to my Father in Heaven. I have stood many times and testified that I know He lives, I know He knows and loves me personally. This time around, I have to admit, I had thoughts in my mind such as, "Why doesn't Heavenly Father love me right now?" "What am I doing wrong?" etc. I really struggled with some anger and frustration those first couple of days. One night, while Trav was out on Elder's Quorum visits, I sat back down at the piano. Without much thought, I began playing my song. This time, as I sang those words, I had a very peaceful feeling come over me. I realized that I was singing my Testimony and that that song had come at that time a few months ago, to bring comfort during this time now.

As conference came I hoped to hear words that would comfort and heal me. Funny thing is, the talks about trial or the Holy Ghost weren't the ones that had the effect. The one that hit home the hardest to me was President Monson's talk yesterday about a having heart full of Gratitude. He said something that hit me so hard, I hurried and wrote it down. He stated, "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it's often difficult to focus on our blessings. However, if we dig deep enough, we will realize just how much we have been given......To live with Gratitude is to touch heaven....... When we give thanks, we unlock the door to Heaven. This in turn helps us feel our Heavenly Father's Love." I had hardened my heart in the last week by focusing on everything negative in my life, rather than focusing on the blessings Heavenly Father has given me. I can only hope He will forgive me and understand my heart.

I am Eternally grateful for my sweet husband, who also tried to help me see all of our blessings this last week. I never hear him complain any time we are dealing with a setback. He is the perfect example to me. I'm so grateful again, that he was there with me, to hold my hand and let me cry. I love him with all my heart and thank the Lord every day he's in my life.

My heart is full of gratitude today, but the list is longer than this already extremely long post. I'm so thankful the Lord saw fit to answer my prayer through our dear prophet and his great council to be mindful of the blessings we have. I only pray that as I try to do so, the doors to Heaven will be opened for me to feel my Heavenly Father's love as I try my hardest to learn from this trial and keep moving on. I truly have felt him there during my darkest hours, and I know that through prayer, He will be there for us through this.